


To our loneliness & all

by robotwitch



Series: Once more for the ages [34]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Family Feels, Gen, Single Parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 04:41:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19716406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robotwitch/pseuds/robotwitch
Summary: Doing his damnedest to keep his family together, Joel becomes a stranger to himself.





	To our loneliness & all

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crossover of Naughty Dog properties, an alternate universe where there is no Cordyceps Brain Infection outbreak and everyone lives. Both the Uncharted and The Last of Us characters are here and very much alive, (eventually) brought together through Cassie and Ellie's chance meeting at summer camp.

The door to the music room’s been left open.

Joel doesn’t immediately notice until he gets that prickling sensation on the nape of his neck, like someone’s watching him. Abruptly he stops singing and whips around.

“Oh! Don’t mind me,” Christine giggles, lingering just outside.

“I – uh don’t usually play for an audience.”

“You should.”

The back of his neck suddenly burns.

He doesn’t know Christine very well, but she’s always been mighty nice to him. They’ve shared a few classes and he won’t soon forget spending all of sophomore geometry last year behind her when she would laugh at his bad jokes. He thinks she might have even flirted with him a little, but it must’ve just been his imagination.

Because Christine’s the sort of person everyone just flocks to. And if she didn’t pay him a lick of attention, he would understand.

But she did and she is. And she likes his playing enough to stand and listen from the hallway.

“What were you singing?”

“It’s called ‘November Blue’.”

“It sounded sad. Did you write it?”

Joel laughs, not unkindly. “No. No. I ain’t _that_ good. The Avett Brothers did.”

Joel flinches. There’s no way she knows who The Avett Brothers are. Hell, if it hadn’t been for the new releases display at the store, he wouldn’t either.

Stepping into the music room, Christine sits across from him and implores, “Keep playing. I’d like to hear it from the beginning.”

“Well, if you insist,” Joel chuckles to suppress his nerves.

And though he looks away and closes his eyes to feel the music, her eyes never leave him.

\----------

The day they signed the divorce papers, Joel slipped off his wedding ring and put it away. At that point, he was only wearing it out of habit anyway.

He finds it again in the back of a dresser drawer while packing up the house and exhales. He really doesn’t want to do this, but Joel punches Christine’s number into the phone anyway.

With each ring, he hopes she’ll let it go to voicemail; there’s no need to start another argument.

But no such luck. Christine answers with a tenuous, “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Joel.”

“I know. What do you want?”

Given their last conversation, her bluntness is understandable. Still Joel has to bite back the retort on the tip of his tongue, no reason for this call to go on longer than it has to.

“Figured you should know we’re moving to Boston.”

There’s a pause. Then, “Why?”

Shortly, “You know why.”

Sarah’s leg ain’t getting any better; she needs specialists. Joel can’t afford them here, not with his insurance. Can’t afford the mortgage neither, though rent might well be just as tight.

Christine sighs, “You’ll be back to visit Tommy and my parents still want to see Sarah.”

“Tommy’s coming with us.”

“Oh. Well, I suppose, they’ll learn to live with disappointment.”

Her parents should’ve kept their noses out of it fourteen years ago. Joel keeps his mouth shut on that too; he’s not about to listen to her defend them one last time.

“So, that’s it then…”

“Guess so.”

“Tell Sarah – I don’t know. Tell her I said something.” Christine hangs up with a click.

He should’ve known Christine would pawn off her responsibility to Sarah on him – can’t even give their daughter a proper ‘goodbye’.

Joel lets out a frustrated groan and tosses the phone onto the bed.

“Daddy?” Sarah peers into the room, but doesn’t come in, carrying a packed box to the top of the stairs. “Is everything alright?”

This is the last time he covers for Christine.

“Your mom sends her best.”

“Oh.”

As much as Sarah takes after Christine’s looks, it’s the resemblance to Christine’s apathy here and now which takes Joel aback. She doesn’t share much of either of their personalities.

He needs to do something to break the pallor in the air. Taking a step forward, “Let me get that for you.”

Shifting the weight in her arms, “I’ve got it. Besides you’ve barely started packing.”

Joel will admit he’s been dragging his heels on that front. While necessary, he’s not especially keen to leave Austin. Something about this move feels so final.

The wedding ring glints from the spot where he left it on the dresser. Joel tosses it into the bottom of the waste bin, letting the rest of his junk pile on top. Maybe not looking back ain’t such a bad prospect after all.

He’s convinced of it at the going away party Tommy’s friends throw them that night; Joel keeps to himself at the bar. He lost contact with his few high school friends right around the time they all went off to college. If any of them showed tonight, he doubts they’d even recognize him.

Leastways, moving means he won’t run into anyone anymore who tells him they thought he and Christine were going to make it all the way or were sorry to hear about Sarah.

His bags are much lighter than he expected as he shoves the last of them into the truck the next morning. Tommy climbs into the passenger seat and Sarah into the back.

“Ready to go, baby girl?”

“Patriots’ territory here we come!”

“No. Absolutely not. This is a Cowboys family,” Tommy protests. “Joel, tell her she ain’t allowed to switch teams.”

“There’ll be no Tom Brady supporters under my roof, you hear?”

“No promises,” she smirks.

Joel’s prepared to let go of a lot, but there are a few things he’ll cling to. Still he’d sooner accept the Patriots as his own team before he’d ever let go of Sarah.

\----------

Joel swears at the sky, waking up to another rainy day.

One way or another, he is always tired. Either he’s working and construction leaves him with no energy at the end of the day, or he ain’t and he’s mentally exhausted, worrying how they’re gonna make ends meet.

Tommy says he doesn’t mind putting more of his paycheck to rent and groceries and utilities. Says he’s glad to do it, but he should be saving something for himself too. He offers, but Joel doesn’t let him touch Sarah’s medical bills.

Insurance is better now, that’s for sure, but every doctor tells them the same damn thing they already knew: Sarah’s gonna need walking assistance the rest of her life.

This one goes go so far as to suggest a full prosthetic might be more painless in the long run; a single glance at Sarah’s ashen face and Joel refuses without a moment’s consideration.

Sarah shuts herself in her room after the appointment. It takes every ounce of restraint not to break down the door and scoop her up in his arms when Joel hears her crying.

Joel knew this move wouldn’t be easy for any of them, a trio of Texans sticking out amongst Bostonians like sore thumbs, but he hates that it’s hit Sarah hardest of all.

The accident already forced her to give up soccer and hiking and so many other things she loved. The move just added salt to the wound, forcing her to let go of her school, her friends, and her home; he doesn’t think Sarah realized just how much would change when he asked her if was okay with moving.

When she finally peeks out of her room, her eyes are puffy.

“How’re you doing, baby girl?”

Sarah presses her face into Joel’s chest and starts crying again.

Rocking her back and forth, “I know, baby. I know. You’re gonna be okay.”

Joel holds her until her sobs subside and all he hears is the faint ticking of his cracked watch.

After a quiet supper, they settle down on the couch. Sarah puts her head in his lap as Joel flips channels.

He lingers on WCVB just long enough to catch the news about an anarchist group, calling themselves the Fireflies, rising up across the country before switching it; Sarah doesn’t need to hear about the shootouts in Pittsburgh.

But there ain’t even a game on to distract them from their bleak reality. Unable to pick something, he passes Sarah the remote and she puts on some Netflix history documentary about Malaysia until she falls asleep.

Joel’s only partially paying attention when Tommy gets home. He collapses into a chair with a cold bowl of leftovers.

Between bites, “Did you hear about those Fireflies?”

“I heard. Damned stupid, if you ask me.”

“Least someone’s taking real action against this election.”

Joel grunts. Protests and speeches are one thing, the Fireflies are sure to spark riots.

Changing the subject, “I take it the rain prevented you from working again today.”

“You guessed it.”

There’s no more to say about it.

“And Sarah’s appointment?”

“They suggested amputation.”

“What the hell for? It’s not like it’s infected.”

“Beats me,” Joel groans, rubbing his eyes. “It’s been a long day, Tommy. I’m gonna put Sarah to bed and go crash.”

“Sure. I hear the weather’s supposed to be better tomorrow.”

“One can only hope.”

Though nearly fourteen, Sarah may as well only weigh as much as the day she was born to Joel; he doubts she’ll ever stop being as much of a marvel to him.

He brushes the hair from her eyes as he tucks her in; her brow furrows, troubled. He lingers until it returns to its peaceful expression. Breathing deep, Joel gently shuts the door behind him.

They’ll pull through this, they always have.

\----------

Joel’s not rightly sure how he wound up among Boston’s criminal underbelly, but he has.

One night, he and Tommy were out having a quiet drink, the next he was intervening between two drunks in a fist fight.

He restrained one of them, while the man’s partner sized Joel up.

“Get your fucking hands off me.”

“You gonna be fucking calm?”

“You be fucking calm,” the drunk spit back.

“That’s no way to talk to our new friend, Bill.” Meeting Joel’s eye, “Ever consider putting that muscle to work, son?”

Perplexed by his question, Joel lost his grip on Bill. Bill turned and lunged at Joel, but he was just quick enough to catch Bill’s temple with a right hook, knocking him to the floor.

Looking up from Bill’s unconscious body, “What sort of work did you have in mind?”

“Name’s Frank,” extending his hand. “I’ve got a friend I’d like you to meet.”

Sitting down with Frank and Bill’s ‘friend’ and Tess gives him a once over, “Football scholarship?”

“Didn’t go to college.”

“Smart enough not to indebt yourself.”

“No. Just stupid enough to get a girl pregnant.”

Leaning back, Tess takes the facts into consideration. It’s hard to miss her eyes flick down to check for a ring.

Answering the unasked question, “Divorced.”

“Trying to make a bit of extra cash to cover the alimony?”

Joel snorts, “If only. Insurance payments.”

“Ah,” she says almost understandingly. But her better judgement is winning out, “Look. Frank and Bill don’t give out their recommendation lightly. You must’ve impressed them, but family’s a liability in this line of work, especially a close one.”

“Leave worrying about my kid to me. You just tell me what you need me to do and I’ll get it done,” Joel insists.

He doesn’t know why, but he feels he could be good at this hired muscle thing. At the very least, he actually could use the extra cash.

“Let’s start with a trial period before I decide if I’m gonna take you on.”

But their first job goes off without a hitch and Tess calls him in for more work.

Joel’s surprised how simple smuggling is; grease the right wheels the right way and there’s nothing to it. There’s an odd sort of harmony to their work with each other too; Tess sweet talks their cooperative contacts with cash and makes pretty threats to the uncooperative ones as Joel twists their arms.

It’s not a consistent paycheck, but they can work rain or shine, _and_ the irregular payments are more than he made in construction.

It’s nice to be around southerners again too. Not always, but Tess, and Bill and Frank are more of a like mind with him than anyone else he’s met here. Joel’s done feeling like the odd man out.

What he could do without are the looks of judgement he gets from Tommy when he comes home with a bruise on his forearm where someone grabbed him.

“One of these days, you’re gonna get yourself shot – or worse.”

“Did I ask for your input, Tommy?”

“Somebody’s gotta be the voice of reason here,” he mutters under his breath.

Joel chooses to ignore the comment, walking away before they start a fight. If this is what it takes to make it here, so be it.

Sarah’s mute on the subject and Joel doesn’t broach it with her neither, though he suspects her opinion is not far off from Tommy’s.

But he won’t do anything risky enough to be taken away from her or her from him. There are still some lines he ain’t willing to cross.

\----------

Unexpectedly, Joel and Tess run a few jobs which force them to rub elbows with the Fireflies.

Nothing major, that is until they step on each other’s toes going after the same cargo. The incident disrupts their order of business enough; Joel and Tess are brought before the Queen Firefly.

Marlene’s not at all what Joel anticipated, more rational than radical. “Robert screwed you two over too.”

“Bastard fucking owes us,” Tess steps forward, ever their negotiator.

“Owes me too. Guess he figured he could get us at each other’s throats.”

“And he’d get away scot-free.”

“Joke’s on him, I don’t have any interest in making enemies with the pair of you.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a proposal for us,” Joel speaks up.

Marlene’s gaze turns on him for a second but only gives him a moment’s consideration; she knows he ain’t the brains here.

Looking Tess in the eye, “I do. Since I need the cargo and, I suspect, you’re just gonna move it along. How about a trade?”

“Depends on the trade,” Tess holds firm.

“I’ve got a simple three-man job that needs doing that I can’t have traced back to me.”

“I run a two-man operation.”

“Then I suggest you find a third man. Trust me, you do not want to attempt this with just two.”

Tess coaxes a few scant details out of Marlene before giving her a, “We’ll think about it.”

Outside the Fireflies’ hideout, Tess sighs, “It’s a damn better deal than what Robert promised.”

“So, we get Bill to step in –”

“Bill ain’t gonna fucking go for this.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do.” Tess paces up and down the alley. Putting her hands on her hips, “I’ve got an idea, but you ain’t gonna like it.”

She’s not wrong. Next to getting Sarah involved, bringing Tommy in on a job is the last thing Joel wants to do. But they don’t have many options in the time Marlene’s given them.

Joel’s almost grateful for Tommy’s adverse opinion of their line of work when Tess approaches him, until Tommy agrees to do it.

Joel corners him after, “Have you lost your damn mind?”

“No more than you.”

Joel’s frustration aside, Tommy’s not bad for a first timer and the right fit for the job.

Marlene’s even impressed. Joel doesn’t miss the gleam in Tommy’s eye as she praises his role in particular. Tommy’s always been too keen on the Fireflies’ cause for Joel’s liking.

They make their way back home with their pockets lined with each of their cuts, when Tommy stops short of the door.

“I don’t expect this to be a regular thing, but y’all need me again –”

“We won’t.”

Joel doesn’t know for certain that they won’t, but the further he can keep Tommy away from the Fireflies, the better.

Sarah’s waiting up for them. She doesn’t say it, but the furrow of her brow is enough to tell Joel how worried she was. Guilt twists deep in his stomach; it’s just another night he’s home too late.

She gives Tommy a quick hug then him. Joel kisses the top of her head.

“Glad you’re both okay.”

\----------

“Tess. Joel.”

“Tommy.”

Both their tones are terse.

Joel told Tess he wanted to stay completely clear of the Fireflies from now on. But they’ve never had that sorta luck.

“You must’ve drawn the short straw to have to come deal with us low folks.”

Tommy scowls, his fist clenching. As if the rage never left him from the night he kicked Tommy out, Joel still resists the urge to knock some damn sense into his little brother.

Tess doesn’t so much as step between them, but reminds them why they’re all here, “We’ve got work to do and the sooner we get it done, the sooner we can go our separate ways.”

“I can behave, so long as _he_ does,” Tommy puts on the part of the bigger man, all willing to cooperate.

“Joel?” Tess forces him to look her in the eye, “Are we gonna have a problem?”

“No, ma’am.”

“Then let’s get to moving,” Tess takes the lead.

Tommy gestures, allowing Joel to go next, “You heard the lady.”

Except Joel’s not taking his eye off Tommy and insists on bringing up the rear.

Though controlling their tempers, Joel’s still spoiling for a fight. It’s luck he gets one in the form of a few rival smugglers.

The three of them are pinned down in a firefight, barely holding their ground, when one of them breaks through their cover in Tommy’s blind spot. Abandoning his position, Joel barrels down on the man, tackling him into a storage crate. The blood splatter stains his sleeves.

Between the pair of them, Tess and Tommy ward the rest of the smugglers off. Tess rummages through the bodies, leaving the pair of them to catch their breath.

Suddenly, Tommy grabs Joel by the shoulder, “Thanks for that.”

And for a moment, Joel forgets to be angry and he pats Tommy’s arm. A silent ‘You’re welcome’ and a reminder of his promise to ma.

“Dare I ask how Sarah is?”

“You can ask.”

He snorts, “Alright. How is she?”

“She misses you, but otherwise, just fine.”

“I could come and see her.”

Joel stares long and hard at his brother. As long as Tommy’s wearing that damn dogtag, he’s a danger to Sarah. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“You serious?”

“I ain’t about to see her get hurt again.”

Livid, Tommy hisses, “You don’t think I’m just as worried about her? Or did you forget how I was the first one to arrive after the accident or how much time I spent at her hospital bed just so you could get some fucking sleep.”

“You wanna claim some responsibility for her? Fine. Where were you all those nights she had the chickenpox or needed lice combings? You don’t just get to swoop in when it’s convenient –”

“I damn well know that.”

“Then act like it. Cause sometimes that means making sacrifices.”

“You mean be like you? No thank you. I ain’t gonna throw away everything I want and believe in with both hands because I’m too scared to go after it.”

Unable to hold back any longer, Joel gets in Tommy’s face. But they ain’t kids anymore, Joel’s larger size can’t win an argument or scare Tommy into backing down when he’s out of words.

Holding his own, “Did I strike a nerve, big brother?”

“Hey! If y’all are done bickering, I found something you might wanna have a look at.”

“We’re coming!” Tommy shouts back at Tess, breaking their staring contest with no small amount of confidence he won this round.

Joel presses his anger back down. They each made their choices, and now it seems they’ll be going their separate ways for good.

\----------

The apartment buzzer goes off and Joel answers, “Come on up.”

Sarah works on her homework at the kitchen table as Joel collects the last of his gear. There’s the rap of knuckles on the door, and they both automatically respond, “It’s open.”

Tess tenuously enters the apartment, glancing around at every nook and cranny.

It suddenly occurs to Joel, for all the times they’ve hid out at hers, waiting for the danger to pass, or shared a celebratory drink for a job well done, she’s never been here before. His normal life must seem so strange in contrast to the work they do.

Finally, her eyes land on Sarah, who stares back with equal curiosity, “You must be Sarah.”

“And it’s Tess, right?”

“That’s right.”

Neither says another word, still taking each other in.

Course, that’s the real reason, Joel’s never brought Tess around, trying to keep Sarah away from all this. Except it’s harder now; there’s nobody else to look after her when he’s not around.

But if Sarah knew that was that the reason, she’d resent it. She’d remind him in no uncertain terms, she can take care of herself; that she used to do it all the time before the accident. And just because it’s harder for her to get around, doesn’t mean she’s incapable of doing so.

Joel’s started taking it at a sign he’s had a conversation one too many times if he can recite all the arguments being presented to him. Not that he’s ever once thought her incapable.

Tess clears her throat, “You about ready to go?”

“Just another minute,” Joel excuses himself.

Behind him, Sarah broaches further conversation with Tess. “You know, you’re the first friend dad’s ever had over.”

He can _hear_ Tess’s crooked brow, “Is that so?”

“It’s not like he’s got a weekly poker game meeting here.”

Tess’s bark of laughter is the last thing Joel hears before shutting his door. He supposes it’s only natural they’d talk about him; he’s just about the only commonality they have, but God, does he wish they had waited til he was out of earshot.

Rummaging beneath his bed, Joel pulls out the box where he stashes away his gun. Out of sight, out of mind; it’s always the last thing he adds to his backpack before a job.

Loading up on ammo, Joel rejoins Sarah and Tess in the kitchen. The mood has decidedly shifted since he left, from strained silence to an animated discussion of Sarah’s latest school reading.

Joel can’t decide which is worse. “Do I even want to know?”

“Just swapping book recommendations,” Sarah chuckles in a way that makes Joel suspect it wasn’t _just_ that.

He makes a mental note to ask Tess about it later, but for now he nods at Tess, “We’ve gotta get moving.”

“Let’s do this,” Tess starts in the direction of the door.

“I suppose you’re gonna be gone late,” Sarah calls after him.

“Most likely. Don’t go studying too hard, it’s a school night.”

She rolls her eyes, but fixes an intent gaze on him after, “Stay safe.”

“Love you, baby girl.”

It pains him how normal an exchange this has become, mirroring how a normal family might say their goodbyes before a workday, but Sarah’s got no assurance he’ll be home at the end of the night except his word.

Tess waits for him in the hall. Though Joel’s given Tess a closer glimpse into his life than he’s ever given anyone, he’s grateful she allowed them their space.

The night air is pleasant, and the sky is still tinged a light blue as they set out for the other side of town. Joel tries to focus on the job ahead.

“Doesn’t much take after you, does she?”

Tess’s comment yanks Joel out of his thoughts.

“I mean – in terms of looks.”

“Takes after her grandma.”

“Ah.”

Christine’s always there plain as day, but he’s never seen much of himself in Sarah’s face, except around her eyes. Only lately, he’s been seeing ma more than Christine; he likes it that way.

“She’s real funny,” Tess comments further, as if Joel didn’t already know.

“Yeah, she is.”

“Smart too.”

Joel’s temper prickles.

It’s natural Tess would be curious about Sarah, now they’ve met, but Tess doesn’t pry – unless it might interfere with work; Joel’s always appreciated that about her.

“I can see why you’re so –”

“Could we please stop talking about my daughter?” he finally snaps.

“Well, excuse me,” Tess snaps right back. “Did you or did you not just introduce me to her? I was gonna say ‘proud of her,’ but clearly ‘over-protective’ is more accurate.”

Joel clenches his jaw and bites his tongue. Tess may be in the right, but he is not about to have this discussion with her of all people.

“Could we just focus on the damn job?”

“Fine by me,” she tersely agrees.

They continue on in silence. And irritation turns into guilt as Joel regrets giving Tess lip.

He knew Sarah would be home when Tess came round and yet he still suggested it as their meeting place. Maybe he should’ve known better, how inviting Tess into that part of his life would expose parts of him he would rather remain untouched.

Joel swallows his pride, “I’m sorry.”

“Come again?”

“I’m sorry, Tess. Truthfully, that might’ve been more than I was comfortable with back there.”

Sardonically, “You don’t say. But all I did was meet your daughter, Joel, there’s no need to bite my fucking head off.”

“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just since –”

“I get it. Okay? Let’s just get on with this, so you can get back to her.”

\----------

It’s one of their quicker jobs. It seems they’ve been earning themselves a bit of a reputation: Tess and Joel are willing to negotiate, but neither is hesitant to swing the hammer.

Joel’s grateful they were able to make fast work of it for two reasons. First, he senses Tess is still annoyed with his attitude about Sarah lately, not that he blames her. Second, he’s relieved to be home early for a change.

Still late, but Sarah hasn’t outgrown waiting up for him on the couch. She usually asleep, but there’s a ritual to rousing her to go to bed.

Except Sarah’s not on the couch, not in her bed neither.

Calling out into the dark, “Sarah?”

His call is met with an attack from behind.

A lamp is smashed over his back and there’s a gunshot he’s sure comes from the pistol he left in his backpack. But there are no new holes in him.

Joel turns around in time to watch his assailant stagger backward, grabbing his shoulder and screaming in pain. Behind him, Sarah stands with her back to the wall, smoking gun in hand; even in the dim light, Joel can see the fear frozen in her eyes.

Rushing to her, “Sarah! Baby!”

Sarah drops the gun; her arms find their way around his waist and don’t let go. “He was gonna hurt you, daddy. He was gonna –”

“I’m alright, baby girl. I’m alright.”

A neighbor must’ve called the police, because the cops arrive, pounding at the door.

Joel tells them it was him who fired at the intruder; they take one look at Sarah, barely standing without brace or crutches, and believe him, despite the way the intruder tells it.

Still, the cops ask to see his gun license. It’s expired, but it’s a small mercy the police consider it self-defense and let him off with a warning to get it renewed.

After the all the commotion and flashing lights fade away, Joel sits across from Sarah.

She’s a quivering wreck, but Joel can’t help wondering, “Where’d you learn how to shoot?”

“Uncle Tommy’s been teaching me.”

Joel inhales sharply. He should’ve suspected Tommy going around his back, but Sarah…

“I’m sorry, daddy. I should’ve told you, but ever since you and Tommy stopped talking –”

“You know why that is.”

“How is it any more dangerous with the Fireflies than what you do?”

Whatever answer he gives, he knows won’t be good enough for Sarah. “Doesn’t mean he has any right to teach you how to use a gun.”

“If it hadn’t been for the accident and we were still in Austin, can you really tell me I wouldn’t have learned years ago?”

“But it did happen. And we ain’t in Texas anymore. And most kids your age ain’t going to shooting ranges for fun.”

“Most kids my age don’t have to worry about their dads not coming home either.”

Shakily she gets to her feet. Joel just misses catching her by the hand and her door slams behind her. He doesn’t even know what he would’ve said.

He desperately wants a drink but can’t bring himself to move, the silence echoing in his ears.

Unable to bear it any longer, Joel reaches for his phone, dialing the first number that comes to mind.

Blearily, Tess answers, “Do you have any idea what time it is, Texas?”

“Not really.”

“Then mind if I ask why the hell you’re calling?”

“There was a break-in at mine.”

“Shit.” Sounding more alert, “You alright? Sarah?”

“Yeah. We’re fine. Sarah shot the intruder.”

“Good girl.”

Not the reaction Joel was looking for, but Tess’s praise of Sarah is so plain and simple, he doesn’t know how he expected any different from her. Makes him realize he should’ve been proud of her too – not hesitating to react.

Doesn’t make him any less furious with Tommy for teaching her to shoot behind his back, for encouraging her to lie to him.

He must’ve gone quiet too long, cause Tess nudges him, “Hey? You still there?”

“Yeah. I’m here.”

“You don’t think the break-in had anything to do with us, do you?”

Joel can imagine any number of pissed off rivals who might try something. But if someone was trying to get back at them, they were going about it all wrong.

“No. I don’t think.”

She exhales, “Well, that’s something. You sure you’re gonna be alright, Joel?”

He hadn’t realized how much the night’s events rattled him, but Joel’s not about to have Tess worrying over him. Less than convincingly, “Yeah. I will be.”

“Alright. Just try and get some rest.”

“I will. And Tess – thanks.”

“Anytime, Texas.”

If asked, Joel doesn’t think he could’ve explained why he called Tess. But as he hangs up, he can’t help thinking it’s nice to have a partner he can rely on.

\----------

The new place is much smaller, but it’s far less expensive. The neighborhood leaves something to be desired, but it’s as tactical as it is cheap.

Between the pair of their apartments, he and Tess have successfully positioned themselves near enough to the neighborhoods they conduct most of their business that they can make easy getaways and hideouts.

They share a drink at the new apartment to commemorate the occasion.

“Christ, Joel. How do you even fit in here?” Tess stretches her arms out to illustrate her point.

The walls of his kitchen may be as wide as her wingspan, but the apartment will suit him just fine for his purposes.

Chuckling, “And I don’t know understand why you need as much space as you have. Perhaps we oughta switch.”

She throws her head back and cackles at the suggestion.

She leaves before too long to let him finish settling in, and suddenly the walls do feel as though they’re about to close in around him.

Truly, he doesn’t need so much space now that Sarah and Tommy are both gone from Boston, not likely to come back any time soon. But he didn’t think he needed much room to spread out, or maybe he just took Austin’s wide spaces for granted before.

He’s still adjusting when his phone rings; Sarah’s number flashing across the screen.

“Hey, hon,” he answers.

“Hey, dad.”

“How’s your first day of classes?”

“Good. And your new apartment?”

“Small.”

They fall silent.

It’s harder than he expected, making conversation with more miles separating them than ever before. More than miles really.

Joel could’ve gone with her, after all – probably should’ve, but his stubbornness wouldn’t allow it. He’s still angry with Tommy, still has work here; he’s already started his life over once, Joel wasn’t about to do it again.

Then of course, there were Sarah’s wishes, wanting to stand on her own two feet. Despite what she said, his baby girl has grown up. She doesn’t need her daddy anymore.

“There gonna be enough room for me when I come back to visit?”

“Only if you don’t mind sleeping on the couch.”

Sarah chuckles, “Never stopped me before.”

Too many nights waiting for him to come home.

Maybe it is better he stayed behind. Maybe it’s better if she doesn’t come back at all.

Joel is nothing but selfish where Sarah is concerned, but in Wyoming with Tommy, she might have a chance at a real life. She might achieve dreams he didn’t even know she has.

His heart aches for thinking it, but it’s for the best he stayed, and she went. No more standing in her way. She has a life to lead, and he ain’t a part of it.

But he’s already starting to realize how much time he’ll be spending on the couch, wishing she would come back to him.

\----------

Joel barely believes it, but he’s honest-to-God laughing.

“I owe you a drink next bar we see.”

Tess rebuttons her shirt, still a bit breathless herself, “Careful, Texas. Where I’m from, buying a girl a drink means you wanna take her home for the night.”

He knows she’s teasing, like they always do, but there’s something about the quirk of her mouth that makes him think she’s serious – that she might want him to.

After all, it was her ploy which helped them avoid the cops. Running nearly ten blocks from the botched rendezvous, Tess pinned him against the wall and hissed at him to get his hands on her. Joel could’ve sworn she’d lost her damn mind, but not a moment later she was pulling his arms under her shirt and crashing her mouth into his.

From there, instinct took over until the cops passed them by. He really ought to be ashamed of his behavior; slipping his tongue into her mouth, squeezing bits he had no right to, but it must’ve sold their cover. And Tess ain’t complained yet.

If she had a problem with it, he’d know already.

But their relationship’s not like _that_. Or, at least, it wasn’t.

And if this were high school, he might argue she made the first move. But it isn’t. And they ain’t kids messing around neither.

“You’re acting like it’s any different in Austin than the Ozarks.”

She crooks a brow, intrigued by his change in tone.

“Might’ve been my intention all along,” feeling a good deal bolder than he has in a long time, he takes a step towards her.

He appreciates Tess isn’t intimidated by him. His size alone has been enough to cow some of their contacts, but Tess doesn’t flinch when he starts beating on double-crossers. He appreciates more how she nearly meets him eye-to-eye.

Her own voice thickens, “What the hell are we waiting for? Whiskey’s free at mine.”

“You ain’t gonna let me at least pretend to be a gentleman?”

Shaking her head, “Been waiting too long for this.”

Joel follows Tess back to hers. Neither of them keeps an eye out over their shoulder, watching each other’s movements all the more closely instead. The closer they get, the more Joel realizes he could’ve used that drink first.

Tess locks the door behind them as Joel pours them each a glass. She’s less interested in a drink now, but Joel downs his.

“Woah there, Texas. Easy does it.”

“It’s just uh – been a while.”

Tess snorts, like she doesn’t believe it, “How long’s a while?”

Joel swallows harder without the whiskey, “Like since my ex.”

“Meaning Sarah’s mom?” she chokes back a laugh.

While Tess doesn’t know exactly how long it’s been since they split, Joel figures her guess is still long enough to consider him out of practice.

“Tess…” he groans, pushing down his frustration with himself for mentioning it at all.

“You’re a smart man. You figured it out at least once – I’m sure you’ll manage.”

Yanking at the fly on his jeans, Tess proves it doesn’t matter to her if it’s been a long fucking time for him or not.

And truthfully it comes back pretty easily, though Tess urges him in directions he never would’ve considered at twenty-two and Joel’s all too happy to comply. No one would likely call it the stuff of great romance, but it’s eager and appreciated on both fronts.

They lay side by side on their backs after, still panting slightly. Neither of them says a word, but when they catch each other’s glances they chuckle some.

Tess gets up first to freshen up, closing the bathroom door behind her. Joel discards the used condom and rolls back onto the bed, trying not to let his mind wander away from this moment.

But it does, just not as far as he feared it might, and when Tess reemerges, he has to ask.

“What did you mean when you said you’d been ‘waiting too long for this’?”

Tess scoffs, “Well, what’s it damn well sound like I meant?”

“Like you’ve been waiting for me to take a fucking hint.”

“Bull’s eye.”

Joel gapes disbelievingly. Sure, they tease each other consistently, but that’s all it’s ever been. She never asked for any more and he never offered. The game of it was enough for him.

But that was when Sarah was around. And Sarah’s been gone three months now. If Tess was dropping signals all that time, Joel’s more oblivious than he was in high school.

“I didn’t realize –”

“Course not. Why would you?”

Cause he’s been following her lead, learning the tricks of the trade and her subtle commands. And cause he ain’t blind, Tess is a damn fine woman; he’s just been preoccupied.

But he doesn’t say any of that. Instead he mutters, “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I get it. I suspect you’ll pick up on it quicker in the future.”

“Future?”

Climbing back on top of him, “See. Already learning.”

\----------

Sleeping beside Tess is different. He doesn’t toy with her hair and she doesn’t run her fingers along his chest.

They ain’t fooling themselves this is or could ever be more than it is, but after a late night, it just doesn’t make much sense for them to go back to their own apartments.

They don’t keep stashes of clothes at each other’s places nor make special accommodations, but they have copies of each other’s keys in the event the worst happens.

It suits them.

Still Bill makes a habit of calling them each out on it.

“One day you’re ‘just fucking your partner to ease the frustration’ and the next you’re moving to the fucking suburbs, buying a goddamn house.”

Joel lets him rant a while to get it out of his system. He’s known Bill long enough to know better than to get in the way of cantankerous moaning. Knows him well enough to know he doesn’t mean a word of it neither.

Finally concluding, “Whaddya say to that?”

“Oh. You’re done?”

Bill grumbles some more, “You’re gonna regret not heeding my fucking advice.”

Joel sighs heavily, “Don’t you worry. I got a whole host of reasons not to make your mistakes. And none of them got a thing to do with taking relationship cues from you and Frank.”

He knows he’s prodding the beast, a comment like that is either bound to get another rise out of Bill or send him into a fit of hysterics. Luckily today is the latter.

Guffawing, “You know, Joel, somehow I always manage to forget you made it all the way to the goddamn altar.”

“Least that makes one of us.”

Bill keeps on laughing.

Joel doesn’t rightly understand how Bill and Frank put up with one another; he’s only ever heard each of them complain about the other. But he ain’t privy to what goes on behind closed doors and he ain’t about to pry.

And he certainly ain’t one to talk about or judge what works for people and what doesn’t. He just wishes Bill would leave well enough alone.

Tess winds up at Joel’s after their latest job and gets a good laugh out of Bill’s rant herself.

“I hope you thanked him for his fucking concern.”

“Told him to mind his own fucking business.”

“Mmm. I like the sound of that last part.”

So does Joel; he lifts Tess up by the ass onto the kitchen counter as she shrugs off her shirt. She does him the favor of pulling off his so he can unhook her bra.

It ain’t the easiest of positions, but it gets them going and keeps them close to the booze for the moment. Her nails dig into his shoulder blades as his mouth trails down her collarbone toward her breasts.

Tess moans and hisses in his ear, “I swear, if you don’t get me on my backside –”

The rest of her threat is caught up in a surprised gasp as Joel picks her up again and throws her onto the couch.

Taking a moment to catch their breaths, they squirm out of their jeans and Joel retrieves a condom from the side drawer.

He knows it ain’t strictly necessary, but he hasn’t actually told Tess about his vasectomy – or anyone else, for that matter. But about a year after Christine left, Joel knew one kid was enough for him – Sarah was enough. He wasn’t going to put himself or anyone through that ever again.

Besides it’s not as if Tess discusses her birth control methods with him. It’s best this way; they shouldn’t have any pregnancy scares one way or another.

“You waiting on something, Texas?”

“Just enjoying the view.”

“Not bad from down here either.”

He chuckles, picking up where they left off. Tess doesn’t stay pinned for long and by the end of the night, she’s asleep on top of Joel. His arm drapes casually over her the small of her back so they don’t roll off the couch.

They’re both rudely wakened by the ringing of a phone.

Groaning, Tess fumbles around in the dark looking for it. “Hello?”

Joel’s focused on the soreness of his back when the voice on the other end comes through, clear and confused and instantly recognizable.

“Tess?”

“Shit.”

Tess hangs up.

For a few heart-stopping moments, the pair of them stare at the phone then each other. Then back at the phone as it rings again in Tess’s hand.

Holding it out to him, “It’s for you.”

Joel answers as Tess climbs off him, “Hey, Sarah.”

She still sounds stunned, “Hey, dad. Was that Tess that just answered your phone?”

“Yeah. We ran a late job last night, figured it was easier if she spent the night here rather than trek back all the way across town.”

He has no idea how he’s managing to keep his voice level. Or if he even is.

He hasn’t exactly told Sarah about him and Tess. He wasn’t exactly planning on it either; one of the few benefits of her being so far away. And he certainly ain’t about to tell her like this.

“Well, I hope you at least offered her the bed instead your couch.”

Tess snickers, still within earshot, gathering her discarded clothes; Joel has to repress a snort of his own. She throws him his shirt so he can at least cover himself while he’s on the phone.

Grinning devilishly, “The couch’s more comfortable than the bed anyway.”

“Wow, dad,” Sarah’s thoroughly unamused.

“Enough about Tess. Why the sudden call? Thought you were busy this weekend – something with Tommy’s girlfriend’s family.”

“You mean their wedding shower?”

The grin falls from Joel’s face. He’d forgotten Sarah mentioning how serious things had gotten between Tommy and that woman he was seeing.

Sarah sighs, “He asked me to try one last time to see if you’d come. I promise, it isn’t just me talking, he wants you to be there.”

“If Tommy wants to speak to me, he knows how to reach me. He shouldn’t be using you as a go between.”

“Somehow, I thought that’s what you’d say, but I volunteered. This grudge has gone way past ridiculous at this point, dad. Tommy _wants_ you to be there. He misses you. _I_ miss you.”

Joel squeezes his eyes shut, “I miss you too, baby girl. But I can’t just up and leave.”

It’s a weak excuse, but Joel can’t bring himself to go.

Somewhere along the road it became apparent to him that he was the deciding factor which drove them both away. That they were better off without him. It’s better if he just stays away before he ruins their lives any more.

It doesn’t make the disappointment in Sarah’s voice hurt any less, “If you’re sure…”

“I’m sure.”

Sarah doesn’t betray any further signs of dismay, “I’m sorry, I’ve gotta get going.”

“Alright. Tell your uncle – tell Tommy ‘mazel tov’ from me.”

“I will.”

“Hey, I love you.”

“Love you too, daddy.”

Tess hovers in the archway to the kitchen as he hangs up the phone. “Bad news?”

Staring at the phone, “No. Tommy’s getting married.”

“Oh. Congratulations.”

Joel wishes he could muster even that amount of enthusiasm for his brother, but he’s suddenly feeling a lot more like Bill, wishing everyone were the same sort of miserable as him. Mostly he wishes he could be with them.

That he could take back the past four years and do them all over. Something tells him, even if he could, nothing would change.

\----------

Sarah sees it frequently enough with students and her friends used to tell her all the time: older siblings get everything first, but younger siblings always get them sooner.

There was a slightest prickle of jealousy at the nape of her neck when dad began retuning her old guitar for Ellie, before Sarah shook it off. Ellie already has more of an ear for music than she ever did.

But Sarah got to hear dad play and sing again first. And it didn’t matter that it was nothing but warm-up scales initially and then endlessly practicing the same song – dad’s let music back into his life.

She hadn’t realized how much she missed the sound of his voice or the memorizing way his fingers could move up and down the fretboard. He stopped playing so gradually, it was easy to miss the fact it was slipping away; first being overworked, then her own disinterest, the accident, and finally no more when they moved to Boston.

It’s isn’t hard to see that when dad put aside music, he lost his way. Sarah couldn’t be happier for him that he’s found it again.

Course, now the secret’s out, he doesn’t need to practice at hers and Andrew’s anymore. Still, Sarah hears him playing enough when she goes to assist with settling into the new house.

Dad and Ellie trade off in order to teach her; they’re practically no help at all. But at least when dad’s hands aren’t occupied with the guitar, he’s moving boxes and correcting Ellie by ear.

“Would you give it a rest, old man. I’m working on it.”

Dad grins, but Sarah sees the way he itches to have the guitar back in his grip.

And once Ellie’s away at camp, he barely puts it down.

“If you ain’t gonna be useful, get out of the way,” Tess finally snaps.

If it weren’t for the flicker of a smirk across Tess’s face, Sarah might’ve suspected she was actually angry with dad.

Dad must’ve caught it too, cause he flashes a grin in her direction, “As you wish.”

Stepping out onto the porch, he resumes playing; the music floats inside, making setting up the house far more pleasant.

“You know, I’m getting awful tired of those doctors telling him to lay off the strenuous activity.”

Sarah isn’t nearly innocent enough to misinterpret Tess’s meaning and she isn’t young enough to be grossed out by either, but it is strange, Tess implying anything about their private lives to her.

And knowing dad’s talent turns Tess on is maybe a touch too much for Sarah.

“Did he honestly never tell you he almost went to college for music?”

“You know Joel better than anyone, Sarah. What do you think?”

Sarah laughs, but she’s hard-pressed to agree.

When she was little, she would’ve claimed that honor without a second thought – daddy’s little girl through and through. But as a teenager, she realized she barely understood him at all.

And now – now she thinks Ellie might be the only one that truly gets him. Or leastways, is just more like him, but Sarah truly believes they were lucky to find each other when they did.

“It’s a shame you didn’t get to hear him when he was at his best.”

“Still sounds pretty good to me,” Tess hums, almost more to herself.

“Yeah, he does,” Sarah admits.

With a little more practice, he’ll likely be even better than before.


End file.
